Speaking About You

A few years ago I heard about a gentleman in Atlanta,

a minister and motivational speaker by the name of

Dr. Robert Rohm.  Dr. Rohm spoke to people about a

subject that was close to my heart and that subject was

“Understanding People” and how to get along with them.

Something I didn’t think I really understood but yet

wanted to.  So after reading every book he had written

I arranged to meet with Dr. Rohm and learn from the best.

I traveled to Atlanta and did in fact learn from someone

I feel is the best in his given field.

Now every week Dr. Rohm sends out motivational tip to

help those he has taught. I read each and every tip

faithfully and thought that others could well benefit

from his wisdom. So now I would like to pass on some of

his wisdom to everyone here tonight.

Recently, Dr Rohm talk of a T.V. special he saw a about

tornados. (Can you believe some people actually chase

them?) Did you know that part of the state of Texas is

located in what is called “tornado alley.” This is the

strip of land that runs through Midwestern and Southern

states, especially Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska,

and Iowa.

A tornado is the most violent of all storms. A tornado,

sometimes called a twister, consists of a rapidly

rotating column of air that forms under a thundercloud

or a developing thundercloud. Tornado winds swirl at

speeds that may exceed 300 miles per hour.

A powerful tornado can lift cattle, automobiles, and

even mobile homes into the air and destroy almost

everything in its path A tornado is a deadly storm. It

is a nasty-looking creature and sounds just as terrible.

Its nature is death, destruction and devastation.

Fortunately, most tornadoes are relatively weak, and

only a few are totally devastating. The program also

showed how quickly a tornado appears, how much damage it

creates and how quickly it is gone. It talked about the 

first signs of an approaching tornado being light rain, 

followed by heavier rain, then rain mixed with hail. 

The hailstones may grow to the size of golf balls or 

even baseballs. After the hail ends, a tornado may 

strike. 

In most tornadoes, a funnel-shaped cloud forms and 

descends from the wall cloud until it touches the 

ground. However, there might be a tornado even if the 

funnel does not touch the ground or if the air is too 

dry for a funnel cloud to form. 

Sometimes, the first sign of a tornado is dust 

swirling just above the ground. Tornado damage is often

localized. A tornado may demolish one house and leave

an adjacent house untouched

As Dr Rohm watched the program, he said that he realized

what he wanted to do in his life! He wanted to be a

reverse tornado!

As I mentioned earlier, a tornado has one purpose –

namely, to destroy everything in its path. In his tip

Dr. Rohm reminded everyone that we can choose what

thoughts we dwell on each and every day and then he

asked the question “What if you and I could be a reverse

tornado?” Rather than destroying everything that we come

into contact with, we could build it up.

We could help it and make it better than it was before

our encounter with it. Even create an atmosphere that

allows feeling of safety. Instead of misery, we could

promote love in our relationships. Now isn’t that why

you are reading this article on relationships.

We need to also promote optimism and encouragement;

rather than devastation; we need to promote restoration

and productivity. We need to show love to all those we

come to meet each day. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? The

odd thing about this “fantasy” way of thinking is that

it is actually possible! Every day, you and I can choose

to be a reverse tornado. A tornado thinks, “What can I

do today to show little regard for anything in my path,

and how can I be as destructive as possible?” (We all

have known people like that, and they leave their mark

wherever they go.)

Prov. 12: 18 say’s “There exists the one speaking

thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword, but the

tongue of the wise ones is a healing.”

We have also met people who can be just as destructive

to others by their constant whining. I know this to be

true because for the last few months I have had a lot

on challenges going on in my life. Things going wrong,

or at least not the way I wanted them to go. And I’ve

done much more than my fair share of whining. Then one

day I opened up one of Dr.Rohm’s other tips and with it

was a poem. As I read this poem I was stopped dead in

my tracks, how in heavens name did he know that this

was exactly what I needed to hear. I hadn’t talk to Dr.

Rohm in sometime and certainly had not told him how

things were going in my life, but here it was exactly

what I needed to hear when I needed it. I’d like to

share with you that poem”

“Today, upon a bus, I saw a lovely girl with golden hair.

I envied her…she seemed so gay…and wished I were as

fair. When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble

down the aisle. She had one leg and wore a crutch. But

as she passed…a smile! Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.

I have two legs. The world is mine!”

“I stopped to buy some candy. The lad who sold it had

such charm. I talked with him. He seemed so glad. If I

were late, it would do no harm. And as I left, he said

to me, “I thank you. You have been so kind It's nice to

talk with folks like you. You see,” he said, “I'm blind.”

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two eyes. The

world is mine.”

“Later, while walking down the street, I saw a child

with eyes of blue. He stood and watched the others play.

He did not know what to do. I stopped a moment, then I

said, “Why don't you join the others, dear?” He did not

know what to do and then I knew he could not hear. Oh,

God, forgive me when I whine. I have two ears. The world

is mine.”

“With feet to take me where I'd go, with eyes to see the

sunset's glow, Oh, with ears to hear what I would know…

Oh God, forgive me when I whine. I'm blessed indeed.

The world is mine.”

I’d like to give credit to the author of that very

moving poem but unfortunately it said Author unknown.

But I decided at that moment that I really didn’t have

a whole lot to whine about and that I was becoming a

tornado. I chose at that moment to try and start

building up rather than destroying by bringing

encouragement, help and a positive outlook to everything and everyone

I encountered. I chose to become a reverse tornado.

So what can you do to make this difference is your

own life that, in turn, will have an affect on the lives

of all the other people that you have contact with each

and every day.

Well Dr Rohm believes it begins with a mental picture of

how you view your life. If you get up each day and have

the right attitude, then the building process can be a

daily, ongoing process. For example, “What can I do

today to improve every relationship that I become

involved in?” When we do that, we will find that is

exactly what will happen! We become a reverse tornado.

And when we become a reverse tornado it makes a profound

difference in our lives and the live of others that we

deal with.

I don’t know if any of you have ever heard of a man by

the name of Paul (Bear) Bryant?  Well Paul (Bear) Bryant

was the coach of the Texas A&M University football team

and quite a famous person in the University football

world. ESPN did a story about Paul and he mentioned that

he carried a piece of paper with him at all times that

said:

This is the beginning of a new day.

God has given me this day to use as I will.

I can waste it or use it for good.

What I do today is very important, because I am

exchanging a day of my life for it.

When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever.

Leaving something in its place, I have traded for it.

I want it to be a gain, not a loss, not evil. Success,

not failure, in order that I shall not forget the price

I paid for it.

Think about the fact that each one of us has the same

amount of time to use in our lives as we see fit.

Since we all want our time here on earth to be a great

time in our personal, business, relationship and mental

life. We all need to be careful to make wise choices.

We need to choose to become a reverse tornado. Building

up those we meet rather than wasting our day destroying.

We need to encourage instead of tearing down with our

thoughtless words and actions, to help others by our

positive outlook on life.

I

’m sure that we all realize that we exchange a day of

our life, for all the activities that we perform (a day

that we can never ever get back,) and suddenly that

make s how we spend our day and with whom we spend it,

seem much more important.

Unfortunately this is an attitude shift that very few

are ready to embrace. And we ourselves can choose to be

a reverse tornado, or not but we must understand that

those we met along the way, have the free will to make

their own choices as to how they will live their lives

too. Tornado or reverse tornado, build up or tear down

I would like to leave you with a final thought.  If we

decide to become a reverse tornado, we need to get a

mental image of a tornado coming towards us.  Then look

at it, and tell it to put itself in reverse!

We can then join in, and experience the power of moving

with it, in a whole new direction with a whole new

purpose!

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

 

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

 

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

 

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime

Author unknown

“Please understand me”

by David Keirsey

 

If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.

 

Or if I believe other than you, at least pause before you correct my view.

 

Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.

 

Or yet if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your design for action, let me be.

 

I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me.  That will come only when you are willing to give up changing me into a copy of you.

 

I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring, your friend or your colleague.

 

If you will allow me any of my wants, or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself, so that some day these ways of mine might not seem so wrong and might finally appear right to you as right - for me.

 

To put up with me is the first step to understanding me.  Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer irritated or disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness.

 

And in understanding me you might come to prize my difference from you, and, far from seeking to change me, preserve and even nurture those differences

 

This poem talks about understanding the differences in others and in turn even coming to prize that person’s differences or uniquenesses. Understanding these differences means that you have to actually deal with people.

 

Let me ask all of you a few questions.  How many of you in your life, have to deal with people? It’s kind of a silly question, right!  We all have to deal with people in some way.  Even a hermit has to deal with people at some time or other.  In your dealing with people, how many of you have ever had a personality conflict? 

 

Think, haven’t we all, had times where we, just could not get on the same wavelength as another person, it just didn’t click. And of course we’ve also had just the opposite happen too - a lot of chemistry, like you’ve known the person for years and years.  Experts believe that if you want you can deliberately make that happen.

 

Here’s a scripture from the bible, a scripture that I grew up with and that’s Matthew 7:12  - “Do unto other as you would have them do unto you”. 

 

I heard someone say that we need to change that verse to fit with the times.  If we as people do unto others as we would have them do unto us. That means treating someone the way I would like to be treated not the way they might like to be treated.  Perhaps we should follow a new line of thinking and that is “ Do unto others the way they would like to be done unto”. 

 

We might like someone to be friendly and talkative to us, where someone else might find a talkative person annoying. So we need to adapt our behavior to suit others.

 

Hundreds of years ago, a man by the name of Hippocrates developed an approach to understanding people.  He called it his “Four Behavioral Style Approach”.

 

Then in 1928, another famous psychologist William Marston  published a book about his theories  regarding these 4 personalities types. Marston called this theory “DISC.”   

 

Researcher have noticed that most people have predictable patterns of behavior that are called personality traits. 

 

For example who would expect a baby panther to act the same as a baby rabbit. I think we’ll all agree they are different.  We say that they have different natures, or temperaments.

 

This is the same with humans; we are all different by nature, so it stands to reason that to have the best relationship possible with other people you need to treat them a certain way based on what we already know about them and their nature.

 

Now this is important to remember - Each of these 4 types make up All the parts of an individual’s personality.  Each and every one of us is influenced by all 4 of these personality types.  In fact it’s the different way that these traits are blended together that account for the differences and uniqueness that we find in people today.  It’s what makes us as individuals, special.

 

Imagine if you will, a circle, then divide the circle in half horizontally.   On the top half, are the words outgoing people and on the bottom - the words reserved people. 

 

As I describe both outgoing and reserved people, think of yourself but also think about other people you know, maybe someone you care about or work with.

 

Outgoing people are:

 

 - fast paced

 - they seem to be excited or in a hurry most of the time.

 - crowds don’t intimidate them

 - they don’t look for excitement they create it

 - they love to jump into the pool of life with both feet

 - they always expect thing to turn out well

 - they like to be in charge of things because they like to be the boss and    tell people what to do

 

Enough about their good points, let’s talk about their not so good points.

 

- they are so energetic, they plan to do more than they can

- they tend to talk rather fast and because they do this, they are usually able to con                                       

- others into helping them finish what they started

- so it all works out in the end and of course you know that they really did work hard too

 

A Typical Statement from an outgoing person might be heard in the words of General George S. Patton when he said. “Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way”. 

 

Now for the bottom half of the diagram remember the words “Reserved People.”

 

- reserved people don’t jump feet first into the pool of life

- they hold their feelings and emotions back

- they don’t speak as freely or as quickly as outgoing people

- but when they do speak, you will want to listen

- they may very well be like the tortoise who was left in the dust by the fast paced hare.       

- but just like in the story,  these people will cross the finish line well   ahead of all the  rest        

- they may be slower paced, but they have great patience and stamina to get the job done  

- they are concerned about the details before starting a new project

- they are reluctant to get involved in to many things at one  time.

- they are very content to watch a game rather than play it

- they would rather operate from behind the scenes making sure the job gets done and is handled correctly

- they have a hard time starting conversations with strangers

- and they usually only have one or two close friends

 

So let’s go a little further with our imaginations, and picture another circle.

 

This circle is divided in half vertically and on the left side -task oriented and on the right side people oriented.   

 

Task oriented people are

 

- people who get great pleasure from a job well done

- they focus on making things work

- they love using technology

- they want things or people to be in the best shape possible so as to perform the tasks   properly

- they are the ones who really love on-line banking

- they are great at working on projects

- they are excellent planners

- they are the one who usually put together the plans that work

 

Now lets talk about the people-oriented group.  

 

- they are very different from the task oriented people because

- they are more interested in relationships with others

- they are the emotional ones.

- they are caring and love to share with others

- they love to be with people

- they have a strong awareness of the needs and desires of the people around them

- they believe that life is about enjoying friendships with people

 

When we put both circles together we can see all 4 of the areas that make up this Model of Human Behavior.   

            

The letters that we use in this model are very significance because they are the key to helping us to remember the Disc Model.  Each letter represents a type of personality. 

 

D’s

 

In the upper left hand corner is the letter D.  Keep in mind that these people are in the top half of the circle and on the left side of the circle so they are outgoing and task oriented.  D type people are characterized by 6 key traits that distinguish them from others and they are - dominant, direct, demanding, decisive, determined, and doers.

 

I’s

 

I people are in the upper right hand corner so they are outgoing and people oriented

and their 6 key traits are  -   inspiring, influencing, impressionable, interactive, impressive, and involved. 

 

S’s

 

S people are in the lower right corner so that would make them reserved and people oriented.  They are  - supportive, stable, steady, sweet, like the status quo, and shy. 

 

C’s

 

C people are in the lower left hand corner and they are Task oriented and reserved people) and their 6 traits are - Cautious, calculating, competent, conscientious, contemplative, and careful. 

 

So, while I was describing all 4 personalities, was there one that really hit home with you or did you see someone you know.  It’s always interesting to try and figure out which one of the 4 traits most represents yourself.   Some of you may have been able to spot yourself right away while some of you may be a little confused because you see yourself in two or three different quadrants.  Well that’s okay too because we have bits and pieces of all 4 quadrants, some are just more intense than others.

 

It is important to remember that one personality style is no better or worse than another. One style is not “good and the other bad.

 

Now I would like to really relate what we’ve just talked about to relationships. You are probably thinking right now ..”isn’t that what we have been talking about, relationships with people we work with, live with …our friends, our kids….”  True but the kind of relationship that I want to talk about right now, is the love relationship that happens between couples. 

 

Once a person understands personality types, it makes it so much easier for that person to understand someone that we have a sexual interest in.  Remember the old saying “Opposites attract” but I believe that no one ever finished that statement .. it should be “Opposites attract but then they attack”. 

Research shows that there are certain personality types that get along better with each other in work situations and other personalities that get along better in personal situations.  So by learning about the different personality types we can give ourselves an edge over everyone else out there in the dating world.

 

Knowing the person that you are interested in’s personality type will help you understand why they do or say certain things.  Why they act a certain way under stress. Why we are attracted to a certain type of person. And what can we do about it.

 

Here is a good example of what I’m talking about:  I am an I personality type and as a I , I can be very flighty, going from one project to another and I have a hard time finishing things I start. But for some reason I have always ended up being attracted to C personality types.  Now if you remember C’s are very task oriented….they always finish what they start and they do usually want help doing it.  Can you just imagine the fire works…. I have a hard time finishing anything and they finish everything and they do it happily and willingly.

 

Usually they did not understand me or why I did what I did and do you want to hear something really funny…I could never understand them either… so of course it never worked out.  Had we both understood this…. we may have been able to work it out.  Or if I had dated someone with my own personality (I or close to it, it would not have been such a big problem

 

Let me give you some more examples here.  We talked about D’s and how they like to be the boss or leader or head of the group right….. Well there is an old saying “Anything with more than one head is a monster”     Two D’s would enjoy being together because they are so active and outgoing, but when there is a situation that calls for someone to take control, both will want to take over and be in charge.  Wow two bosses …that to me is kinda scary.   But if they understand personalities and how they work, t he couple could then sit down and agree as to who would lead and who would be the support as each new situation arose.

 

This does not mean that you can’t date, fall in love or marry, someone with a different personality type, it just means that if you both already understand each other, when problems do arise you can both work on them with much better results.  You will understand that “People don’t do things to you, they do things for themselves”.

 

In closing, I would like to share a few final thoughts with you.  Exhaustive studies have been conducted by Universities and psychology departments; involving hundreds of thousands of subjects, with the aim of validating, refining, and improving upon Dr. Marston’s initial ideas. More than 81% of the people who participated saw it as a very accurate picture of his or her normal behavioral patterns. 

 

When I was first learning about the Disc theory, I read a story that I thought was appropriate. 

 

“The story, is about a centipede with arthritis, who was told by a wise Owl that changing himself into a stork would eliminate 98% of his leg pain.  The centipede asked how he should change himself into a stork, and the owl replied ‘Oh I wouldn’t know about the details.  I only make general policy….’” Basically what this means is that You can’t change yourself into something you are not, but you can make yourself  even better by learning how to relate to your partner in a more loving way. 

 

Understand that it takes time to gain this strength as you exercise your newfound personality traits. But the major idea I hope you all recognize and are able to take away with you is, that these personality principles really can and do work for each and everyone in all of your relationships, be it work related or “personal”, it’s just a matter of practice.

I’m sure that when went speaking about love and relationships you’ve heard the old saying that opposites attract.

Let me relate a story I heard …The ancient Greeks told the story of man and woman’s creation.  The gods in their infinite wisdom decided to make man less powerful, so the gods split man in two.They were two souls united in one body, which the gods later tore apart, depriving them of their blissful union.  As a result, we have spent our lives in one very long search for our other half.  That missing half of ourselves that we know is out there but just can’t find.

Very often we do find an opposite that seems to complete us, only for most of us to set about the ironic and frustrating task of changing that opposite (that seemed to complete us) into an exact image of ourselves.

I’m sure we have all seen how that usually works out.  We can not change people into what we want them to be, no matter how hard we try.

I have to admit that up until 2002 every guy that I was involved in a relationship with, was my opposite.  Someone who was calm, cool, collected, careful, cautious, careful and very well organized.  I loved this type of person because they were all the thing I was not.  I truely believed that they could help me be a better person, more like them. Of course that never happened and after a while we were ready to strangle each other.  Again I have to admit I never realized that, that was why I was attracted to them. A mentor of mine always says “You can not beware of something if you are not first aware of if. “**

The men I dated were just so different from me and I really thought that it was a good thing to date your opposite, to keep it interesting.  Eventually one of us gave up on the relationship because we just did not understand each others personality style.

Without being able to have a blending of personalities, without being able to communicate and understand each others style, one personality will normally find it’s way to the surface at the expense of the other person.

In 2002 someone gave me a  book to read about personality styles.  What I read was so amazing that I took a trip to Atlanta, GA. to take training with Dr. Robert Rohm Ph.D of Personality Insights, the author of the book that I had read. I learned many things that week but, one of the most important things I learned was that “Opposites attract but then they can attack”. **

So without understanding personalities styles I had very little chance of making a relationship with someone opposite to me, work. Believe it or not most people whether they realize it or not, are attracted to someone who can complete their other half or fill in their weak areas.

That Is not a bad thing but as was stated above - “one personality will normally find it’s way to the surface at the expense of the other person.”  The Greeks really understood this fact since it was their myth, but they also believed, the gods did this to us to keep us weak and constantly searching.

The Greek Hippocrates, tried to help his people developed themselves so that they did not have to spend a lifetime searching for their opposite. Hippocrates believed that by understanding ourselves and others, we would be able to have better relationships with everyone. He called his theory the “Four Behavioral Style Approach”.

Throughout the years that followed many people built on Hippocrates theory and then in 1921, Carl Jung, a famous Psychologist identified and described this four behavioral styles. Mr. Jung referred to them as four different personality styles that each of us have, but in different degrees.  In 1928, another famous psychologist William Marston published a book advancing his theories with regard to these 4 personalities styles. Marston called his theory “The DISC Model of Human Behavior.”

Learning this model of human behavior will help us so that we better understand ourselves and others that we deal with.  Once we learn this personality style approach we can then choose our partners with the full understanding of our own needs and as well as the needs of our partner.

We are not trying to say that one personality style is good or bad… they are just different and by understanding them we are likely not going to look for someone to fill in our weakness but a person to compliment us.  We will not have to worry about “Opposites attracting and then attacking.”

Take the time to learn about DISC personality styles because after all, if I understand you and you understand me, doesn’t it make sense that we will have a better relationship?

Contact me and I will be glad to teach you about Disc personality styles, how to recognize them and how to use them in your life.

For more information on Disc and personalities check out the ”Disc Articles” section to the right of this page.

Relationship Coaching With Kathleen Bass speakingaboutyou@hotmail.com

** quote from Dr. Robert Rohm Ph.D

“Tips on how to forgive and forget” 

I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying many times that, “It’s easier to forgive than it is to forget,” I know I have heard it more times than I care to remember. But what do the words forgive and forget really mean -

Well according to Webster’s New World College Dictionary. (3rd edition, copyright 1997, 1996, 1994, 1991, 1988 by Simon&Schuster, Inc.)

for-get - 1) to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with; pardon. 2) to give up all claim to punish or exact penalty for (an offence); overlook  3) to cancel or remit (a debt). 

for-get  -1) to lose (facts, knowledge, etc.) from the mind;  fail to recall; be unable to remember;……3) to overlook omit or neglect intentionally  (lets forget our differences).   

Forgiveness is the act of excusing someone for their offense but unless you are also willing to forget their transgression you aren’t truly forgiving them.  Of course, forgiving is very difficult. “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive,” said C.S. Lewis. And forgetting may not be a realistic or desirable goal.  

“Despite the familiar cliche, ‘forgive and forget,’ most of us find forgetting nearly impossible,” says Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Hope College. “Forgiveness does not involve a literal forgetting. Forgiveness involves remembering graciously. The forgiver remembers the true though painful parts, but without the embellishment of angry adjectives and adverbs that stir up contempt. ”  

Refusing to forget a wrong done to you results in a long lasting grudge between you and your partner. Although you may have told them that you have forgiven them, the memory of their actions stays with you and creates such bad feeling towards them that you find yourself not trusting them in the future.  Now if you don’t trust them then what chance has your relationship got?

True forgiveness involves both forgiving and forgetting and this can be done by understanding your own feelings as well as those of your partner, expressing your feelings in a calm matter, showing your partner that your relationship is more important than you being right and by finally accepting your partner’s apology.   

You may have been wronged in a situation and your feelings of anger may be completely justified but it’s important to truly understand your feelings in order to forgive and forget.  It is important that you realize that the actions of your partner may have hurt you or made you angry but that reacting in a hostile manner as a result of these feelings is not healthy to your relationship or to you yourself.    

Forgiveness, can however, bring enormous benefits to the person who gives that gift freely, according to some recent research. If you can bring yourself to forgive and forget, you are likely to enjoy lower blood pressure, a stronger immune system, and a drop in the stress hormones circulating in your blood.  Studies also suggest back pain, stomach problems, and headaches may disappear. And you’ll reduce the anger, bitterness, resentment, depression, and other negative emotions that accompany the failure to forgive your partner.  

While your feelings of hurt of anger may be justified, taking the time to work through these emotions before offering forgiveness will help you to forget your partner’s words or actions.  If you offer forgiveness before you have had the opportunity to vent your own frustrations it will be difficult for you to forget your partner’s wrongdoing.  You also need to understand the feelings of the person who offended you.  

It’s important to talk to your partner about why they committed the offense against you.  It is not fair to them to make assumptions about why they acted the way they did. You need to give them the chance to explain their side of the story and by doing this it will give you a better understanding of why they acted the way they did.  You may learn that everything was a misunderstanding or that you were not hurt intentionally.  Allowing the other person a chance to offer their take on the situation will enable you to see and understand their motives.  

Understanding your own emotions as well as your partner’s will help you to really forgive and forget.  Dealing with your own emotions in a calm and rational manner is also important to forgiving and forgetting.  Your partner may be wrong and you may be completely justified in your feelings of anger but it’s important that you not act strictly on emotions.  Acting and speaking out of anger can elevate the tension in the situation and deter the forgiveness process. 

Give yourself a little time to manage your own feelings and collect your thoughts so that when you approach your partner you are able to speak about your feelings in a calm, cool and collected manner.  It’s best to wait until both you and your partner are ready to speak about the conflict in a calm and rational manner.  If you are truly interested in forgiving and forgetting when you have been wronged, wait until both parties have calmed down to ensure that neither one speaks out of anger and destroys the chance for true forgiveness.  

A crucial aspect of forgiving and forgetting is valuing your relationship more than you value being right in an argument.  While you may be completely right in a situation, being right is not worth destroying the relationship over.  If you are able to put your love for your partner ahead of the vindication of being right you will be more willing to forgive and forget. Also, forgiving and forgetting will allow your relationship to continue to grow because working through conflicts makes a relationship stronger.  

Finally you can never really forgive and forget unless you are truly willing to accept your partner’s apology.  Harboring feelings that the apology isn’t genuine will damage the relationship because you will never forget their offending action.  Listen sincerely to your partner’s apology and have faith in them that their apology is heartfelt and genuine.  Then let them know that you accept their apology and are willing to not let this situation interfere with your future interactions. 

True forgiveness involves not only excusing the transgression but also effectively forgetting it as well.  You cannot truly forgive someone if you don’t also agree to forget the offense.  Refusing to forget indicates a lack of trust in your partner to not repeat the offense. 

While deciding to forgive and forget is a personal matter a few suggestions for doing so are:

1) To understand your feelings as well as the feelings of your partner,

2) Taking the time to rationalize your emotions before you act on them, valuing your relationship enough to truly forgive and accepting your partner’s apology with an open heart     

3) If after you have calmly talked things out, and give it the time need, you truly believe that this has changed the way you feel about your partner so dramatically that you can never feel the love you once did for them again, then at the very least you have spent the time needed and the feeling can mend in a less painful way.

You have heard their story, accepted their apology and forgiven them so you can now carry on guilt free and without the emotional baggage that you would have had.       

Give yourself a big pat on the back you have either saved your relationship by forgiving and forgetting or walked away with no emotional baggage and a healthier body.       

In any relationship worth having, conflicts are bound to happen.  The true test of the relationship is whether or not you feel that it is worth trying to resolve these conflicts. And if so are you able to do so in a fair and objective way.  Some of the key elements to fighting fairly include sticking to the issue at hand, really listening to the other person, not involving others in the fight, not bringing up old issues and finally being willing to accept your responsibility and letting it go when the fight is over and done with. 

It’s important to know what you are fighting over and to stick to that one issue in the argument.  If you allow things to build up over time and then explode with many issues at once neither you nor your partner will have a clear understanding of what the issue is or why you are fighting.  It is important to address each issue as it arise to avoid resentment and fighting that does not have a clear focus.  Sticking to one specific issue in a fight is the fair way to fight and it’s also the most successful way to fight.  If both parties involved have a clear understanding of why they are fighting you are much more likely to reach a mutually amicable solution. 

Listening is a very important part of fighting fairly.  It is important to allow the other person to offer his/her side of the argument.  Fighting without listening will not be effective because it does not allow you to be open to the other person’s opinions and justifications.  The other person may have a very valid reason for his/her actions but if you are only interested in what you have to say and are unwilling to listen you will not hear their point of view.  Another aspect of listening is to really understand what the other person is saying.  It’s very easy to not hear the intent of a person’s message.  In a fight you want to really understand the other person’s statements and give them the opportunity to agree or disagree with your interpretation of their argument.  Listening attentively and understanding the other person’s argument is a very effective and fair way to fight. 

Bringing others into a fight is not a fair way to fight.  It is important that the fight take place between those directly involved and that neither party  bring in the help of friends or family members to validate their position.  It doesn’t matter how many other people agree with you, that does not necessarily make you right, so don’t involve others in your fight.  This is not only not fair to your partner but it is also not fair to those who are dragged into the argument.  While you may have many people who agree with you and believe you are right, bringing them into the fight just isn’t fair and also isn’t effective. 

In a fair fight it is also important to not bring up old issues.  A fair fight will remain focused and does not bring up the past distracts from the current issues. by doing that it would also send the message that the past has not been forgotten.  If you partner feels that you are bringing up old issues, he may begin to feel as if the current fight is not worth fighting because it will not be forgotten either.  If you convey the message that you are not willing to forgive and forget you are not fighting fairly.  Also, bringing up old issues is not fair because they are not relevant to the current fight.  A fair fight is clearly focused on a current conflict without dredging up old issues. 

Another key tactic for fighting fairly is to be willing to accept responsibilities for your own actions and be willing to reach a resolution and move on from the argument.  Those who fight fairly are prepared to concede the fact that they may lose the argument.  Losing the argument means either that you admit that you were solely to blame in the situation or that you are unable to convince the other person of your argument.  What is important in a fair fight is not who is right or who is wrong but that the couple is able to reach an amicable agreement and that they are both able to move on and leave the fight in the past. 

Fighting fairly is very importantl in a healthy relationship.  Disagreements are natural and resolving them in a fair way is important to a thriving relationship.  Not fighting fairly is a major sign of a relationship that is not healthy.  A fair fight however includes the key elements of focus, listening and resolution without involving third parties in the fight.  A fair fight is also left in the past after resolution.  Fair fighting leads to resolution in most cases. 

I have always had a hard time understanding why what seems to be a great relationship in the beginning after a while ends up being a nightmare of a relationship that the two people involved in it just can’t wait to get out of.

I too have been in this kind of relationship, many times over the years.  And even though I could tell someone all the many reasons the relationship was not working out, I could not understand why my partner could not see these reasons for himself.

Let me give you an example…. A young woman I know is now in the process of divorce.  She was married for one year and then they separated.  While talking to her the other day she mentioned that her soon to be ex husband was going out to bars with friends and that they now called him the dancing machine. 

I know this couple very well and was struck by how strange that was because while they were married he would never go out dancing… said he did not know how to dance very well. If he did go out he sat in the corner most of the night looking very sad. It was not just dancing but a lot of other “little things” that he stopped doing with her that they had done before getting married like going camping, and hanging out with friends (mutual friends -not just his or hers but couples they had hung out with before) going for drives, going to the movies, kissing just for kissing sake, and much much more. 

Why do these things have to stop after you move in together or get married?  Now trust me I understand that it is not all the guys fault, we women do it too. But you will hear this complaint more from women than you will from men.

Here is a poem I read and was told that it was actually a popular song back in the 1940’s and ’50’s. Listen to the words and see how touching they still are over half a century later:  

Blow me a kiss across the room
Say I look nice when I’m not
Touch my hair as you pass my chair
Little things mean a lot

Give me your arm as we cross the street
Call me at six on the dot
A line a day when you’re far away
Little things mean a lot

Give me your hand when I’ve lost my way
Give me your shoulder to cry on
Whether the day is bright or gray
Give me your heart to rely on

Send me the warmth of a secret smile
To show me your haven’t forgot
For always and ever, now and forever
Little things mean a lot

Edith Linderman/Carl Stutz

Now I am not trying to get all “mushy” on you, (well maybe I am) but I really do believe one thing to be true more so now than ever - if you pay attention to the “little things” in the lives of your family, and friends you cannot help but make a positive impression on all of them

When was the last time you got a thank you note from someone? Did that “little thing” mean a lot to you? Sure it did! And when was the last time you received an unexpected phone call from someone who told you how much you had meant to his or her life? Did that “little thing” mean a lot to you? Again, we both know it did.

I can tell you from my personal experience that I would not have been in as many of the relationships I was in if at least one of my partners had remembered that the “little things” mean a lot.Many people truly believe that once they have a partner then that is the end of the courtship.  That all those “little things” that they did before the relationship got serious do not matter anymore.

I have heard men say that their wife/partner would always get up in the morning and make breakfast, coffee or just sit with them before he had to leave for work BUT not now that they were in a committed relationship.  Things have changed.

I heard one girl say now that she was married she stopped shaving her legs as much as before….only if she really had to. It was ok for her husband to see her hairy legs now they were married. So we women are just as much to blame in that we also forget that the “little things” matter too.

If this is the type of relationship that you are in and feel that maybe the next step will be to leave take a look at trying to communicate to your spouse/partner that these things are important to you. Perhaps by understanding your partner’s love language it will make thedifference needed in your relationship. For more information on love languages click here and to take the love language quiz click here.

Send me your comments on how things have changed or have not changed in your relationship because of the “little things.” speakingaboutyou@hotmail.com

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Blow me a kiss across the room
Say I look nice when I’m not
Touch my hair as you pass my chair
Little things mean a lotGive me your arm as we cross the street
Call me at six on the dot
A line a day when you’re far away
Little things mean a lotGive me your hand when I’ve lost my way
Give me your shoulder to cry on
Whether the day is bright or gray
Give me your heart to rely on

Send me the warmth of a secret smile
To show me your haven’t forgot
For always and ever, now and forever
Little things mean a lot

Edith Linderman/Carl Stutz

Just because some one doesn’t love

you the way you want them to,

doesn’t mean they don’t love

you with all they have.

 

They say love hides behind every corner,

then I must be walking in circle.

 

A true friend is someone who reaches for your

hand and touches your heart.

 

Never frown, even when you are sad,

because you never know who is falling

in love with your smile.

 

To the world you may be one person,

but to one person you may be the world.

 

Don’t cry because it is over,

smile because it happened.

                                       Author unknown

None of us can control

all the elements in our lives.

Sometimes destiny enjoys

a laugh at our expense.

When that happens,

we must choose our path.

We can succumb to fate’s

small tease or we can choose

to be happy.

Happiness can be found

in many places.

It can be seen in the

beauty of a flower.

It can be felt in the warmth

of the sun.

It can be heard in the

laughter of a small child.

It can be touched in

the softness of a favored pet.

It can be sensed in the

love of someone who

truly cares.

Choose to be happy.

Choose not to give in.

Choose to smile and look forward to

the day ahead.

Choose Life with all it’s

faubles.

Choose to be happy and

happiness will always

follow you.

 

                                 Author unknown