Speaking About You

I have always had a hard time understanding why what seems to be a great relationship in the beginning after a while ends up being a nightmare of a relationship that the two people involved in it just can’t wait to get out of.

I too have been in this kind of relationship, many times over the years.  And even though I could tell someone all the many reasons the relationship was not working out, I could not understand why my partner could not see these reasons for himself.

Let me give you an example…. A young woman I know is now in the process of divorce.  She was married for one year and then they separated.  While talking to her the other day she mentioned that her soon to be ex husband was going out to bars with friends and that they now called him the dancing machine. 

I know this couple very well and was struck by how strange that was because while they were married he would never go out dancing… said he did not know how to dance very well. If he did go out he sat in the corner most of the night looking very sad. It was not just dancing but a lot of other “little things” that he stopped doing with her that they had done before getting married like going camping, and hanging out with friends (mutual friends -not just his or hers but couples they had hung out with before) going for drives, going to the movies, kissing just for kissing sake, and much much more. 

Why do these things have to stop after you move in together or get married?  Now trust me I understand that it is not all the guys fault, we women do it too. But you will hear this complaint more from women than you will from men.

Here is a poem I read and was told that it was actually a popular song back in the 1940’s and ’50’s. Listen to the words and see how touching they still are over half a century later:  

Blow me a kiss across the room
Say I look nice when I’m not
Touch my hair as you pass my chair
Little things mean a lot

Give me your arm as we cross the street
Call me at six on the dot
A line a day when you’re far away
Little things mean a lot

Give me your hand when I’ve lost my way
Give me your shoulder to cry on
Whether the day is bright or gray
Give me your heart to rely on

Send me the warmth of a secret smile
To show me your haven’t forgot
For always and ever, now and forever
Little things mean a lot

Edith Linderman/Carl Stutz

Now I am not trying to get all “mushy” on you, (well maybe I am) but I really do believe one thing to be true more so now than ever - if you pay attention to the “little things” in the lives of your family, and friends you cannot help but make a positive impression on all of them

When was the last time you got a thank you note from someone? Did that “little thing” mean a lot to you? Sure it did! And when was the last time you received an unexpected phone call from someone who told you how much you had meant to his or her life? Did that “little thing” mean a lot to you? Again, we both know it did.

I can tell you from my personal experience that I would not have been in as many of the relationships I was in if at least one of my partners had remembered that the “little things” mean a lot.Many people truly believe that once they have a partner then that is the end of the courtship.  That all those “little things” that they did before the relationship got serious do not matter anymore.

I have heard men say that their wife/partner would always get up in the morning and make breakfast, coffee or just sit with them before he had to leave for work BUT not now that they were in a committed relationship.  Things have changed.

I heard one girl say now that she was married she stopped shaving her legs as much as before….only if she really had to. It was okay for her husband to see her hairy legs now they were married. So we women are just as much to blame in that we also forget that the “little things” matter too.

If this is the type of relationship that you are in and feel that maybe the next step will be to leave take a look at trying to communicate to your spouse/partner that these things are important to you. Perhaps by understanding your partner’s love language it will make the difference needed in your relationship. For more information on love languages click here and to take the love language quiz click here.

Send me your comments on how things have changed or have not changed in your relationship because of the “little things.” speakingaboutyou@hotmail.com

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  by Relationship Coach Kathleen Bass