Speaking About You

“Tips on how to forgive and forget” 

I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying many times that, “It’s easier to forgive than it is to forget,” I know I have heard it more times than I care to remember. But what do the words forgive and forget really mean -

Well according to Webster’s New World College Dictionary. (3rd edition, copyright 1997, 1996, 1994, 1991, 1988 by Simon&Schuster, Inc.)

for-get - 1) to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with; pardon. 2) to give up all claim to punish or exact penalty for (an offence); overlook  3) to cancel or remit (a debt). 

for-get  -1) to lose (facts, knowledge, etc.) from the mind;  fail to recall; be unable to remember;……3) to overlook omit or neglect intentionally  (lets forget our differences).   

Forgiveness is the act of excusing someone for their offense but unless you are also willing to forget their transgression you aren’t truly forgiving them.  Of course, forgiving is very difficult. “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive,” said C.S. Lewis. And forgetting may not be a realistic or desirable goal.  

“Despite the familiar cliche, ‘forgive and forget,’ most of us find forgetting nearly impossible,” says Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Hope College. “Forgiveness does not involve a literal forgetting. Forgiveness involves remembering graciously. The forgiver remembers the true though painful parts, but without the embellishment of angry adjectives and adverbs that stir up contempt. ”  

Refusing to forget a wrong done to you results in a long lasting grudge between you and your partner. Although you may have told them that you have forgiven them, the memory of their actions stays with you and creates such bad feeling towards them that you find yourself not trusting them in the future.  Now if you don’t trust them then what chance has your relationship got?

True forgiveness involves both forgiving and forgetting and this can be done by understanding your own feelings as well as those of your partner, expressing your feelings in a calm matter, showing your partner that your relationship is more important than you being right and by finally accepting your partner’s apology.   

You may have been wronged in a situation and your feelings of anger may be completely justified but it’s important to truly understand your feelings in order to forgive and forget.  It is important that you realize that the actions of your partner may have hurt you or made you angry but that reacting in a hostile manner as a result of these feelings is not healthy to your relationship or to you yourself.    

Forgiveness, can however, bring enormous benefits to the person who gives that gift freely, according to some recent research. If you can bring yourself to forgive and forget, you are likely to enjoy lower blood pressure, a stronger immune system, and a drop in the stress hormones circulating in your blood.  Studies also suggest back pain, stomach problems, and headaches may disappear. And you’ll reduce the anger, bitterness, resentment, depression, and other negative emotions that accompany the failure to forgive your partner.  

While your feelings of hurt of anger may be justified, taking the time to work through these emotions before offering forgiveness will help you to forget your partner’s words or actions.  If you offer forgiveness before you have had the opportunity to vent your own frustrations it will be difficult for you to forget your partner’s wrongdoing.  You also need to understand the feelings of the person who offended you.  

It’s important to talk to your partner about why they committed the offense against you.  It is not fair to them to make assumptions about why they acted the way they did. You need to give them the chance to explain their side of the story and by doing this it will give you a better understanding of why they acted the way they did.  You may learn that everything was a misunderstanding or that you were not hurt intentionally.  Allowing the other person a chance to offer their take on the situation will enable you to see and understand their motives.  

Understanding your own emotions as well as your partner’s will help you to really forgive and forget.  Dealing with your own emotions in a calm and rational manner is also important to forgiving and forgetting.  Your partner may be wrong and you may be completely justified in your feelings of anger but it’s important that you not act strictly on emotions.  Acting and speaking out of anger can elevate the tension in the situation and deter the forgiveness process. 

Give yourself a little time to manage your own feelings and collect your thoughts so that when you approach your partner you are able to speak about your feelings in a calm, cool and collected manner.  It’s best to wait until both you and your partner are ready to speak about the conflict in a calm and rational manner.  If you are truly interested in forgiving and forgetting when you have been wronged, wait until both parties have calmed down to ensure that neither one speaks out of anger and destroys the chance for true forgiveness.  

A crucial aspect of forgiving and forgetting is valuing your relationship more than you value being right in an argument.  While you may be completely right in a situation, being right is not worth destroying the relationship over.  If you are able to put your love for your partner ahead of the vindication of being right you will be more willing to forgive and forget. Also, forgiving and forgetting will allow your relationship to continue to grow because working through conflicts makes a relationship stronger.  

Finally you can never really forgive and forget unless you are truly willing to accept your partner’s apology.  Harboring feelings that the apology isn’t genuine will damage the relationship because you will never forget their offending action.  Listen sincerely to your partner’s apology and have faith in them that their apology is heartfelt and genuine.  Then let them know that you accept their apology and are willing to not let this situation interfere with your future interactions. 

True forgiveness involves not only excusing the transgression but also effectively forgetting it as well.  You cannot truly forgive someone if you don’t also agree to forget the offense.  Refusing to forget indicates a lack of trust in your partner to not repeat the offense. 

While deciding to forgive and forget is a personal matter a few suggestions for doing so are:

1) To understand your feelings as well as the feelings of your partner,

2) Taking the time to rationalize your emotions before you act on them, valuing your relationship enough to truly forgive and accepting your partner’s apology with an open heart     

3) If after you have calmly talked things out, and give it the time need, you truly believe that this has changed the way you feel about your partner so dramatically that you can never feel the love you once did for them again, then at the very least you have spent the time needed and the feeling can mend in a less painful way.

You have heard their story, accepted their apology and forgiven them so you can now carry on guilt free and without the emotional baggage that you would have had.       

Give yourself a big pat on the back you have either saved your relationship by forgiving and forgetting or walked away with no emotional baggage and a healthier body.       

By Relationship Coach Kathleen Bass