Speaking About You

“Please understand me”

by David Keirsey

 

If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.

 

Or if I believe other than you, at least pause before you correct my view.

 

Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.

 

Or yet if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your design for action, let me be.

 

I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me.  That will come only when you are willing to give up changing me into a copy of you.

 

I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring, your friend or your colleague.

 

If you will allow me any of my wants, or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself, so that some day these ways of mine might not seem so wrong and might finally appear right to you as right - for me.

 

To put up with me is the first step to understanding me.  Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer irritated or disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness.

 

And in understanding me you might come to prize my difference from you, and, far from seeking to change me, preserve and even nurture those differences

 

This poem talks about understanding the differences in others and in turn even coming to prize that person’s differences or uniquenesses. Understanding these differences means that you have to actually deal with people.

 

Let me ask all of you a few questions.  How many of you in your life, have to deal with people? It’s kind of a silly question, right!  We all have to deal with people in some way.  Even a hermit has to deal with people at some time or other.  In your dealing with people, how many of you have ever had a personality conflict? 

 

Think, haven’t we all, had times where we, just could not get on the same wavelength as another person, it just didn’t click. And of course we’ve also had just the opposite happen too - a lot of chemistry, like you’ve known the person for years and years.  Experts believe that if you want you can deliberately make that happen.

 

Here’s a scripture from the bible, a scripture that I grew up with and that’s Matthew 7:12  - “Do unto other as you would have them do unto you”. 

 

I heard someone say that we need to change that verse to fit with the times.  If we as people do unto others as we would have them do unto us. That means treating someone the way I would like to be treated not the way they might like to be treated.  Perhaps we should follow a new line of thinking and that is “ Do unto others the way they would like to be done unto”. 

 

We might like someone to be friendly and talkative to us, where someone else might find a talkative person annoying. So we need to adapt our behavior to suit others.

 

Hundreds of years ago, a man by the name of Hippocrates developed an approach to understanding people.  He called it his “Four Behavioral Style Approach”.

 

Then in 1928, another famous psychologist William Marston  published a book about his theories  regarding these 4 personalities types. Marston called this theory “DISC.”   

 

Researcher have noticed that most people have predictable patterns of behavior that are called personality traits. 

 

For example who would expect a baby panther to act the same as a baby rabbit. I think we’ll all agree they are different.  We say that they have different natures, or temperaments.

 

This is the same with humans; we are all different by nature, so it stands to reason that to have the best relationship possible with other people you need to treat them a certain way based on what we already know about them and their nature.

 

Now this is important to remember - Each of these 4 types make up All the parts of an individual’s personality.  Each and every one of us is influenced by all 4 of these personality types.  In fact it’s the different way that these traits are blended together that account for the differences and uniqueness that we find in people today.  It’s what makes us as individuals, special.

 

Imagine if you will, a circle, then divide the circle in half horizontally.   On the top half, are the words outgoing people and on the bottom - the words reserved people. 

 

As I describe both outgoing and reserved people, think of yourself but also think about other people you know, maybe someone you care about or work with.

 

Outgoing people are:

 

 - fast paced

 - they seem to be excited or in a hurry most of the time.

 - crowds don’t intimidate them

 - they don’t look for excitement they create it

 - they love to jump into the pool of life with both feet

 - they always expect thing to turn out well

 - they like to be in charge of things because they like to be the boss and    tell people what to do

 

Enough about their good points, let’s talk about their not so good points.

 

- they are so energetic, they plan to do more than they can

- they tend to talk rather fast and because they do this, they are usually able to con                                       

- others into helping them finish what they started

- so it all works out in the end and of course you know that they really did work hard too

 

A Typical Statement from an outgoing person might be heard in the words of General George S. Patton when he said. “Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way”. 

 

Now for the bottom half of the diagram remember the words “Reserved People.”

 

- reserved people don’t jump feet first into the pool of life

- they hold their feelings and emotions back

- they don’t speak as freely or as quickly as outgoing people

- but when they do speak, you will want to listen

- they may very well be like the tortoise who was left in the dust by the fast paced hare.       

- but just like in the story,  these people will cross the finish line well   ahead of all the  rest        

- they may be slower paced, but they have great patience and stamina to get the job done  

- they are concerned about the details before starting a new project

- they are reluctant to get involved in to many things at one  time.

- they are very content to watch a game rather than play it

- they would rather operate from behind the scenes making sure the job gets done and is handled correctly

- they have a hard time starting conversations with strangers

- and they usually only have one or two close friends

 

So let’s go a little further with our imaginations, and picture another circle.

 

This circle is divided in half vertically and on the left side -task oriented and on the right side people oriented.   

 

Task oriented people are

 

- people who get great pleasure from a job well done

- they focus on making things work

- they love using technology

- they want things or people to be in the best shape possible so as to perform the tasks   properly

- they are the ones who really love on-line banking

- they are great at working on projects

- they are excellent planners

- they are the one who usually put together the plans that work

 

Now lets talk about the people-oriented group.  

 

- they are very different from the task oriented people because

- they are more interested in relationships with others

- they are the emotional ones.

- they are caring and love to share with others

- they love to be with people

- they have a strong awareness of the needs and desires of the people around them

- they believe that life is about enjoying friendships with people

 

When we put both circles together we can see all 4 of the areas that make up this Model of Human Behavior.   

            

The letters that we use in this model are very significance because they are the key to helping us to remember the Disc Model.  Each letter represents a type of personality. 

 

D’s

 

In the upper left hand corner is the letter D.  Keep in mind that these people are in the top half of the circle and on the left side of the circle so they are outgoing and task oriented.  D type people are characterized by 6 key traits that distinguish them from others and they are - dominant, direct, demanding, decisive, determined, and doers.

 

I’s

 

I people are in the upper right hand corner so they are outgoing and people oriented

and their 6 key traits are  -   inspiring, influencing, impressionable, interactive, impressive, and involved. 

 

S’s

 

S people are in the lower right corner so that would make them reserved and people oriented.  They are  - supportive, stable, steady, sweet, like the status quo, and shy. 

 

C’s

 

C people are in the lower left hand corner and they are Task oriented and reserved people) and their 6 traits are - Cautious, calculating, competent, conscientious, contemplative, and careful. 

 

So, while I was describing all 4 personalities, was there one that really hit home with you or did you see someone you know.  It’s always interesting to try and figure out which one of the 4 traits most represents yourself.   Some of you may have been able to spot yourself right away while some of you may be a little confused because you see yourself in two or three different quadrants.  Well that’s okay too because we have bits and pieces of all 4 quadrants, some are just more intense than others.

 

It is important to remember that one personality style is no better or worse than another. One style is not “good and the other bad.

 

Now I would like to really relate what we’ve just talked about to relationships. You are probably thinking right now ..”isn’t that what we have been talking about, relationships with people we work with, live with …our friends, our kids….”  True but the kind of relationship that I want to talk about right now, is the love relationship that happens between couples. 

 

Once a person understands personality types, it makes it so much easier for that person to understand someone that we have a sexual interest in.  Remember the old saying “Opposites attract” but I believe that no one ever finished that statement .. it should be “Opposites attract but then they attack”. 

Research shows that there are certain personality types that get along better with each other in work situations and other personalities that get along better in personal situations.  So by learning about the different personality types we can give ourselves an edge over everyone else out there in the dating world.

 

Knowing the person that you are interested in’s personality type will help you understand why they do or say certain things.  Why they act a certain way under stress. Why we are attracted to a certain type of person. And what can we do about it.

 

Here is a good example of what I’m talking about:  I am an I personality type and as a I , I can be very flighty, going from one project to another and I have a hard time finishing things I start. But for some reason I have always ended up being attracted to C personality types.  Now if you remember C’s are very task oriented….they always finish what they start and they do usually want help doing it.  Can you just imagine the fire works…. I have a hard time finishing anything and they finish everything and they do it happily and willingly.

 

Usually they did not understand me or why I did what I did and do you want to hear something really funny…I could never understand them either… so of course it never worked out.  Had we both understood this…. we may have been able to work it out.  Or if I had dated someone with my own personality (I or close to it, it would not have been such a big problem

 

Let me give you some more examples here.  We talked about D’s and how they like to be the boss or leader or head of the group right….. Well there is an old saying “Anything with more than one head is a monster”     Two D’s would enjoy being together because they are so active and outgoing, but when there is a situation that calls for someone to take control, both will want to take over and be in charge.  Wow two bosses …that to me is kinda scary.   But if they understand personalities and how they work, t he couple could then sit down and agree as to who would lead and who would be the support as each new situation arose.

 

This does not mean that you can’t date, fall in love or marry, someone with a different personality type, it just means that if you both already understand each other, when problems do arise you can both work on them with much better results.  You will understand that “People don’t do things to you, they do things for themselves”.

 

In closing, I would like to share a few final thoughts with you.  Exhaustive studies have been conducted by Universities and psychology departments; involving hundreds of thousands of subjects, with the aim of validating, refining, and improving upon Dr. Marston’s initial ideas. More than 81% of the people who participated saw it as a very accurate picture of his or her normal behavioral patterns. 

 

When I was first learning about the Disc theory, I read a story that I thought was appropriate. 

 

“The story, is about a centipede with arthritis, who was told by a wise Owl that changing himself into a stork would eliminate 98% of his leg pain.  The centipede asked how he should change himself into a stork, and the owl replied ‘Oh I wouldn’t know about the details.  I only make general policy….’” Basically what this means is that You can’t change yourself into something you are not, but you can make yourself  even better by learning how to relate to your partner in a more loving way. 

 

Understand that it takes time to gain this strength as you exercise your newfound personality traits. But the major idea I hope you all recognize and are able to take away with you is, that these personality principles really can and do work for each and everyone in all of your relationships, be it work related or “personal”, it’s just a matter of practice.

by Relationship Coach Kathleen Bass